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When later never comes

You might all know that kind of stories: Someone (wife/husband/etc) writes, why it is a bad idea to postpone things to later, because you never now if later will ever come, husband/wife usually dies an untimely death, before later comes. I want to share a similar and still different personal story here.

I haven’t seen my father for a long time, a year or even more. I had my reasons, but I knew I wanted to meet him some time soon, when I found a way to deal with “them”. Later never came. Out of the blue my father died (not Heger father).

I was astonished how composed I was when hearing the bad news.A few days later it fully hit me. He is gone: the last time I saw him, was the last time, no turning back. I couldn’t have known. My tears flowed freely, on end.

The second wave came today, as I was walking to work. It was much deeper and stronger. It broke out of me, with sound and movement. My tears froze down my cheeks. I felt a deep longing, to travel back in time. All the words and feelings that were hidden before, emerged from my depths.

It pains me to not have fully shared myself with him. To not have told him, that I love him. To not have told him, that I forgive him. To not have truly hugged him, to love him without fear. To accept him as he is. So I do it now. I pour all my feeling, all my wordcraft, everything I have to give into this legacy, this is my gift, this is my love, this is my story.

I ask you, dear reader to feel into this, maybe share it and also to think of unfinished business, or a grudge with friends, family or others dear to your heart.

Remember: later never comes.

There is only now.

With all my grieving heart